One day, while drinking too much, I tripped and fell while I was loading the dishwasher and impaled myself on a fork. You can read the whole sordid story here.
I decided that day to quit drinking for good.
Anyone who drinks has said “this is it, no more” at least once, probably many times. I know I have said it before. This blog is for me to stay accountable and document this change in my life.
Stick a fork in me; I’m done.
Stick a fork in me ... I'm done 
I love you blog and nominated you for the Liebster Award! You can see the post at http://wp.me/p2AkqH-9m.
Oh, my Gosh, thank you! I will be back later with a post answering the questions you posted!
I am on 1 millionth round of day 21-again. Found your blog and found comfort. Please write more, I am ready…..
Hi Katrina — sorry for the late reply! I missed your comment! 21 days is great — you should be proud! I’m glad my blog comforted you. I need to post an update … will work on one today.
Hi Mary-thank you for your words and timely it was as I, too, had an awkward one… the neighbor to the back of us, the exact one who kept my daughter when I was carted off to the psych ward and who actually knows the entire story, invited me over for “get a wild hair up your ass and drink afternoon”. I didn’t, I sat inside with my blinds closed, t.v. on to Ellen (guaranteed laughter) and cup of hot tea in hand. I contemplated for a while her invite. Was it that she just didn’t care or that she just doesn’t understand? She downs at least a bottle of wine nightly so I’m going with she to is in denial and misses her backyard drinking buddy and doesn’t comprehend why I CAN’T put alcohol in my body. Grace. I relapsed since the 18th when I reached out to you. It was ugly, I was ugly, the world became dark and ugly- again. Thankfully this time did not end up in a 7 day stint of pill -induced –zombie mode with nut jobs who slash their arms ,screaming obscenities at me all hours of the day. Truth.
I saw my therapist last night and the entire hour we talked about my denial, my lack of Grace for myself, my absolute disdain for my “allergy” to alcohol.I cried and dropped the F-bomb A LOT, poor lady is older than God and 26 years in recovery…..pretty certain if she ever felt like jumping back into the bottle it was when I left! My husband had rented Frozen for my daughter and me for dinner and a movie and as I spun out of her parking lot all I could think about was the liquor store two minutes away. A few mini bottles of Vodka….I’m justified, I mean I AM in therapy and I just did some fucking hard work. If I am being told that this battle of being a normal drinker is always going to defeat me, well then I am going out on the field for one last round. I didn’t. I high- tailed it home, opened the door to an uber excited 6 year old jumping up and down that I was finally home and we could begin dinner and a movie. She even set the table for me! Switch gears Katrina,take a deep breath. Towards the end of the movie I really wanted a Kombucha and my personal batch was dry so I told my husband I was heading out to pick some up. I know he was worried. I was worried. A large store yet the wine Isle seems even larger. I stocked up on a few Kombuchas, doubled up on the Ardens Gardens and headed home. Even writing this I am exhausted…..this is exhausting. Fuck.
Today is a brand new day, the struggle will become my strength today. I will it. Thank you for sharing and for allowing me to share! And here’s to many more awkward moments.(shot of braggs apple cider in hand)! Off to kickboxing, thank God for a strong body……
Katrina — regarding your neighbor — yikes! It’s possible that if she drinks a fair amount you could be right that she misses her drinking buddy. It’s also possible (just throwing this out there) that she misses having someone around who drinks more than her or handles it less well. I know when I was drinking I always semi-subconciously liked to have someone to point to who drank more than I did. But I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that’s not a good reason for YOU to drink.
Don’t beat yourself up. You are doing a hard, but great thing! It is exhausting at first, but I swear it gets easier. I still have my moments of temptation but there are many days now that I don’t even think about alcohol. Wouldn’t have thought that was possible!
I read you blog. It is excellent. Your story sounds so familiar, minus the fork. The continuous striving to get that magical feeling, and knowing deep down it is gone for good.
I tried for years. I finally conceded in December that I was done. I got my 6 month chip yesterday.
Sober bloggers have been a godsend. How great to know I am not alone. I went to AA along the way to find some real life support. It’s not “it”, but the people there truly understand.
I especially relate to your obsessive behaviour. Same here. My goal for the last 6 months has been to not let myself start any obsessive diets, although I have become a yoga addict. It has saved me mentally and physically.
Please keep writing. I want to know how year 2 will go.
Anne — congratulations on your six month chip! Good for you!
Yoga sounds like it would be a win/win “addiction.” Good for your mental health and your physical health. I am sticking with my long walks for now because it’s easy to squeeze into my day (have to walk the dog anyway). In the coming months I would like to implement a more rigorous exercise program, but I’m still taking it easy on myself.
Yes, I’ll keep writing — thanks!
I just found your blog and am engrossed because you are helping to unpick my addiction. My list of ‘tries’ is too long but this week is the beginning of my next try, my hoped for last try
Day one. Again. I started drinking again because the dysfunction in my marriage became so obvious to me. Hadn’t been drinking for 3.5 years. At first it was just 2 glasses of wine with a woman I know, when we had dinner together. Then at home, some beer; eventually- within 3.5 months, five bottles by myself in 8 days.
Today i had no alcohol. Tomorrow will be another today.
Day one is great! Keep me posted. I can totally see what you are saying about how it all can creep back up on you. Good luck!
I am reading through your blog. You capture so much in words . I can’t seem to stay sober and I need to.
Thank you for reading, Natalie. And I think the important thing is to keep trying … each time you try, you’re getting closer to the time you do it for real. I truly believe that.
Thanks. I know I am in the middle of a big battle I cannot surrender to……
You are a god send. Your blog is just total support and comfort. 6 days sober reading this, I feel like you are me and I am you. One of my many My ‘fork story’ was being very drunk on a school night and trying to break up an argument between my two adorable sweet, small boys who had just gotten out of the tub – and in a drunken angry moment I kicked open the bathroom door and my little boys foot was adjacent to the door and in my drunkest rage I tore off his big toe toe nail. He fell to the ground and I was horrified. It does and always will cause me heart ache thinking of him. It is my great shame that because of alcohol I acted this way and hurt my boy I love so very much and scared the crap out of his brother. It is Friday. We have my first sober party with hockey parents this weekend that will expect me to drink and be funny. I’m scared how I will handle. I will read this as many times as I can. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Lise, I hear you! Just take it one day at a time at first. If there is any way of getting out of the party I would do it, and if not, tell everyone right off the bat that you are not drinking. “I’m on medication” is a convenient white lie. Good luck, and let me know how it goes!
Hello
I’ve started reading this morning, in the UK, with a hangover! It’s really good. I would like to send to my ex, I wish she’d read it while we were together – but that is another story.
Thanks
R
Very interesting reading. Am into my 3rd day after frightening myself on Sat night/Sunday. Challenging times ahead no doubt but I’m not going to kid myself any longer that I can control my alcohol intake.
Thank you so much for this wonderful blog.
Glad you are enjoying. 🙂
It seems you are no longer blogging, but I have enjoyed reading the two years you were. I am on day one, and I too struggle with the idea that I can drink “normally”, that a bottle of wine a night is my choice and not really that bad. I’ve quit twice for a month at a time and each time convinced myself I could drink moderately… Of course we all know the truth of that. So here I am again navigating the scary waters of sobriety.
I hope you are still doing well on your journey.
I am still sober … thank you for your comment. I am 3+ years sober now and it remains the best thing I could have done for myself.
Good luck on your day 1 and day 2 and beyond. These early days just focus on each day as it comes. Do nice things for yourself. It really does help. Comment again if you need to chat.
Hi Thanks for your blog its really helpful..im at day 14. I hope you post again soon. James Oct 17
I read your entire blog in a couple of hours today. I’m a mom too, and could really relate to so much of what you wrote. I’m on Day 2 and will refer back to your blog when I need reminding that others also have triggers and cravings, even weeks and months after quitting but ultimately life is so much better as a non-drinker. Feeling thankful to have found your blog and wishing you all the best.