Sigh.  And things were going SO well.

I had a great weekend, a quick trip to visit a friend and her family in a nearby city.  The weather was beautiful, the kids got along, the dogs romped together like puppies.  It was great to see my BFF and her hubby.

Then, yesterday, I was home with the kids again, surrounded by dirty laundry, un-unpacked suitcases, and a messy house.  The girls were bickering.  We had to go grocery shopping and return a bunch of books to the library.  I was trying to quickly clean the bathroom before we left.  I squirted the blue toilet bowl cleaner and looked around for the toilet brush, but it wasn’t there.  Suddenly this was just the end, the last straw.  Where … is … the … goddamn … TOILET BRUSH!!!

Fuck it.  I wanted a drink.  I really, really wanted one.

I went and sat down in the living room.  My dog jumped up on my lap.  I stroked him as I raged inwardly about how it isn’t fair, it isn’t fair, it isn’t fair.

After awhile the feeling ebbed a little.

Then I got the toilet brush from the other bathroom.

I cleaned the toilet.


2 thoughts on “Craving

  1. Life is like that. Going well, then unbearable. Work is fine, then I HATE MY JOB. My kids are angels: HOW DID I RAISE THESE HELLIONS? I swear that moment, that one that every psychologist and your mother wants you to experience (count to ten, then count to ten again) is SO HARD and it happens all the time. I keep thinking, if I can survive just this one moment, iI’ll be the person my best friend and husband are deluded that I am. And somehow, over the years, I have built up trust that if I made it through that moment, I will make it through this one. That’s what you’re looking for, that history of succeeding. Get that in your hip pocket, and the rage won’t necessarily dissipate faster, but in the back of your head you’ll have the knowledge that success is possible.
    I’ll give you a hint, though: I, at least, am always better with an audience. You know that whole “it takes a village” bit? It doesn’t just apply to the kids. Truth is, most of us are better when those we love are around to keep us accountable.
    You CAN do this. Again, and again, and again.

    • Thanks for the words of encouragement. Writing it down here was helpful because it helped me see how trivial it was. I don’t know why the little things seem to get to me more than the big things, but they do.

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